The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing (Philippians 4:5b-6a NASB)
In the month of June this year I began to experience an extreme level of anxiety and depression. It was really strange, as I hadn’t felt like this in quite a very long time. In a matter of one week, I had experienced 8 or 9 panic attacks, with the very first one lasting about 5 hours in total. The scary part was not knowing where this was coming from.
As soon as June came to a close, the panic, anxiety and depression went away…just like that. Without warning it came in, and it left me in the exact same way. Unexplained and unknown to its reasons and causes. It was perplexing to say the least.
During that month, I spent a lot of time praying and in God’s Word. It was essentially all I really could do, as it was getting harder to step out of my home for extended periods of time. In the process, I pondered the potential life of being single for good, as well as the direction of where Cross Conversion Media would be going next.
Instead of fear, I became overcome with peace…God’s peace and His presence in my life. It was truly the greatest thing I’d ever had just wash over me like a tidal wave. The calming effect of Scripture was tremendous and I was very hungry for the Word of God each and every day.
Jesus said in Matthew 5:6 “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled”. I believe that what I was experiencing was a form of “Holy Discontentment” in my life, a time where I knew that there was so much more to be had of the Lord in the Christian life, and I wanted it badly, but just wasn’t getting enough of it.
Essentially, I think it led to the anxiety, not so much a clinical factor, but more of a subconscious “What if?”. What if I truly loved the Lord with all of my heart, mind and strength? What would that look like? Can I give up all of the lingering wants of my life in order to persue the King and His Kingdom and just allow Him to decide what He wants to give back to me in His will and time…if He so intended or not?
So this is where I’m at now. Forfeited my past dreams of marriage and a family for Him, and completely surrendered this entire ministry over to Jesus. What I’ve received in return is a sense of being able to be patient and content in Christ alone.
This ministry will be going fulltime starting on Monday July 15, 2019 as a service to God and His people. The strength to go forward will be in His hands, and not in trusting in my own personal endurance. The Lord will provide, I will just obey.
As for the potential of a wife? 1 Corinthians 7:28 starts out in saying “If you marry, you have not sinned”, so as far as I’m concerned, I can survive and thrive with the Holy Spirit, but if God has so much as provided a bride for me somewhere down the road, I will be cautious, prayerful, but also grateful if this is indeed the case. I just won’t hold my breath, nor be making this a key life priority. My trust is in Him alone.
Now I understand that anxiety and depression will come back from time to time. However, it’s how I react to it, and surrender myself to seek God in the storm, this is what will make all of the difference in how I handle it and cope, finding my way to the end of the tumult in itself. Then I will offer my thanks and praise for His mercy and love.
To God be ALL the glory for what He has done, is doing now, and will continue on with!